Sunday, October 7, 2007

I really have no idea how fat I am.

Honestly - no idea. I live in a silly, unrealistic, sheltered world inside my own head.

Sadly, it's the same silly, unrealistic, sheltered world I lived in when I weighted 120 pounds.

I thought I was "Miss Obesity" - seriously, I did. My friends were all so skinny and cute, so I thought, and I was this big cow.

I'm telling you - if Michael J. Fox stops by with that cool, time-traveling car - I will seriously go back to, say, around 1988 ...or 1989 ...or anywhere near that time - and KICK MY OWN ASS!!!!

But anyway, getting back to today, I look down...and I see a cute pair of jeans, and cute white shoes....and I 'see' an adorable, 125 lb. girl. Seriously. I know I'm saying 'seriously' a lot here, but, I really am serious. It's just so unbelievable how powerful the human mind is.

There are moments ...quick, fleeting (thank God!) moments ...when the reality of it hits me. And in those moments, the panic attack is so severe, it feels like I'll suffocate to death.

Now - this is quite the predicament, really, because, I suppose it would be good to stay in reality about the situation, so that I would stay aware and know to rectify it. Because oftentimes, my 'lala land' lets me eat and 'not move' as much as I want. A lot of times I'm not feeling well - like yesterday's whopper of a migraine (whoa!) and so I will take certain freedoms. But a lot of the time, it is just this warped reality that my head is in that is allowing me to act like I'm 19 and can eat as many bags of darn popcorn and drink as many darn Sprite's as I want to. But, on the other hand, if I did stay aware - how could I live in that horrible state of panic?! Would it go away after a while? Who knows...

If only there was some kind of collaboration software to bring the reality of the 'knowing' and the safety of the 'not knowing' together peacefully and productively, that would be awesome!

It's funny how simplistically people who have never been heavy look at all of this. "Just eat less and exercise." And it is actually that simple, it's just not easy. Not by any stretch of the imagination.

And that is really the part that they don't get. Simple, but, not easy. Hell - if it were easy, why would I be sitting here looking like this, typing this post? What - because I enjoy being fat?


Damn head.

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