Thursday, April 26, 2007

Finding my way

It is so odd to me, but, either, as I age ...or as I grow older in recovery, I am finding myself being drawn back towards Catholicism. I really thought I had completely walked away from that part of my life. I mean, I still have my own parts of it that I cherish. My prayer booklets, my devotional cards, my Catholic bible, my rosaries, my memories with my grandmothers (which are so deeply intertwined with the church) - but, I really thought that was the whole of it. I never really thought I would be drawn back to it any more than that. But I find that I am being slowly drawn back in - bit by bit. I don't know that I will ever be a full-fledged practicing Catholic again, but, I am not fighting the urges for closeness to certain things Catholic - like downloading Rosary software (to be used to walk you through saying your rosary), and watching EWTN every now and then, and almost going to Mass last Sunday at the adorable little church right up the street from my house. (No, I didn't go - had a spat with hubby and was too sad to go anywhere.) But I still want to. And I won't fight that. I realize that I might get there and get too sad, missing my grandmothers and need to leave - or something like that, but, I'll deal with that then if it happens. I'm just trying to stay open about it.

Good guys on bikes

We just recently had a motorcycle ride out here in my section of Alabama up to the top of a mountain and it was a Ride for Cancer. Each entrant got sponsors, and raised money for cancer research. They rode their bikes up to the top of a mountain, and once there, they had a big party! We just took that drive again ourselves a few weeks ago, and it sure would make for a beautiful ride and a fabulous party place at the top of the mountain.

There is another bike ride going on, that started yesterday and goes through Sunday. That one is all for fun and biker's camaraderie. It's being held in Outer Banks, a very beautiful part of North Carolina. That sounds like fun! Wonder if Colleen will come get me on her new bike? Heehee!

Field trips and migraines

I love going on field trips with my kids, and I really don't get to go on as many anymore, as the boys are getting older. Heck - they will both be in high school next year! That's a weird thing to say - my sweet baby boys, whom I used to carry simultaneously, in high school? And yet again, I veer off topic - surprising, no? LOL Anyway, I do love going on the field trips with the kids, but, even if they are here in town, I am almost guaranteed a migraine when it is all said and done. Sometimes it doesn't hit until we get back to the school, but, undoubtedly, it hits.

Well, I went with Sammie last Friday to Montgomery - the capitol of my new state of Alabama. We toured the governor's mansion, the capitol building, and much more! It was really, really fun! We went on the big, travelling buses, though, as it was a good 2 1/2 hour drive. This gave me much hope that I could possibly avoid the head trauma. And had I been a hair or two smarter, I might have done just that!

I went on this trip a bit ill-prepared, you see. Our buses stayed with us all day, and carted us from place to place within Montgomery. And we went dashing around from here to there all day. It was a lot of walking and a lot of dashing. And stupid me (who seems to have lost my involved-at-school-mom's touch) brought along with me - my normal, everyday purse. You know the one I'm talking about - you know you do - it has everything but the kitchen sink in it. And walking fast and up and down stairs and this way and that and keeping up with the group and keeping hold of my two girls - there was no possible way I could wear it just on the one shoulder. It falls off too frequently for that. So I wore it on my right shoulder, falling at my left hip - that caticorner-I've-got-free-hands trick! Which definitely helped me participate speedier!

And it also insured that I woke up at five o'clock the next morning with the SCREAMINGEST migraine ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All of that pressure of the weight of my purse on my right shoulder just about did me in! It was awful! I got up and had breakfast, took my meds, had a cup of joe, and went back to bed, hoping to wake up at a 'normal' Saturday hour feeling better. And that does usually work - if I can get food, meds, and coffee in me and then add a little sleep to the mix, I do much better. I woke up later, however - in just as much, if not more, pain!

I was sitting up in bed crying. It was so awful! When it gets really bad like that, I get super scared and start wondering - at what point are you supposed to go to the emergency room for a migraine? I know people do that - and there is some shot they give for it - but, I've never done it. Thank goodness, though - Aunt Lisa had given Mark a pain pill that he hadn't used and he gave it to me. And thank goodness, again - it worked. I've often wondered why doctors don't just prescribe regular pain pills for migraines, like vicodin, or something, instead of those disgustingly expensive migraine meds.

Obviously, there is a fear of a recovering alcoholic and drug addict like myself misusing them, but, not all of the doctors who have treated me for migraines knew I was an alcoholic. And they still haven't prescribed pain pills. I wonder why that is.

I still had the most wonderful time on the field trip with Sammie and all of her friends, though - and if I had to do it all over again, knowing I could NOT change my purse, knowing what I would endure the next day - I would do it in a heartbeat!

Tonsillitis and folliculitis

Those are my two diagnoses from my doctor yesterday. That is a lot of 'itis'! And then, I figure, if I didn't take my antibiotic - I might wind up with laryngitis! And just how many itis's can we have?

Craziness aside, I awoke Tuesday morning with a 102 fever and my throat so sore I wanted my mommy! It was AWFUL!! Funny thing, too - because, we had just decided that this week would be a good week financially for me to go ahead and get back to the doctor for my armpit lumps that haven't seemed to go anywhere since the last doctor visit I had. Mark comes home Monday with all the debit cards I had given him to pay some bills, and tells me that one of them still has $80 on it and that I could go ahead and go to the doctor. On Monday night! Then I wake up Tuesday morning badly needing a doctor! Go figure!

I was way too sick on Tuesday, though, to even get in the car and go, so I waited until Wednesday.

And he feels that the lumps in my armpits are folliculitis, just as the other doctor had said, but, some of his ideas about dealing with it are different. Like - he wants me to stop shaving for a couple weeks (ewww!) and the other guy said to keep shaving, that it would help. And they differed on a few other things, as well.

He gave me antibiotics for both things, and hopefully I can finally have concave armpits again! And quit worrying! I mean, if it weren't for my kids, I'd be fine with dying. Everyone else has had lots of time with me, and I'll see them on the other side, anyway. I just don't want to miss out on all my kids' life experiences, you know?

Ok, ok, I do love some of you to pieces, it's true - and I don't really want to leave you - it's just, life is...well, hard. And well......tiring. And a long rest (like ETERNITY!) sounds kinda nice sometimes! LOL!!

Ok, we took a little side road trip there, people - let's get back on track, here, ok? I'm feeling a bit rotten still, still not quite on top of my game (like my Healthy Habits list!) but, I'm on antibiotics and on the mend. I have the opinion of a second doctor who agrees with the first in regards to my convex arm(not)pits and hopefully things are progressing positively in that regard, as well. Or would that be negatively? You know, like - less armpits? (Man, I hate jokes that you have to explain! Then they lose their punch. But sometimes, ok, most of the time - my mind is racing ahead without me - in several directions at once, and it goes on some quirky little sidestreets. And I obssessively follow it.)

Monday, April 23, 2007

Healthy habits?

Where did my healthy habits go? Nowhere, really, I just have had a crazy life lately, so I haven't had too many days of completing the list. I've had out of town visitors, my son going to Washington DC - without me, and just all kinds of craziness!!

I almost made it yesterday, and, in fact, went to bed pleased thinking that I had made the list. When I sat down here this morning, however, I realized that I forgot to read any AA-approved literature. Darn it! I remember thinking as I got into bed, too...'do I have it all? I did everything, right? yeah! I did, I did!'

Oh well. Close.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Artificial sweeteners? Uh, no thanks!

As I lay in bed last night at 7PM! all cramped up with stomach pains, I thought to myself, 'Maybe this new plan isn't working.'

Uh, yeah. Drinking Crystal Light all day, made with its artificial sweeteners, is just not gonna work. Nope.

So I'm back to Sprite, although I'll try to go easy on it.

I'm going to stick with the black coffee, though. It actually seems to feel better than coffee with sugar, tummy and indigestion-wise, I wonder if there's anything to that. Hmm...

Oh, yeah - and also, one slight correction - I do NOT walk down the stairs to hook the dog up at 5 in the morning. No way! So, no - I don't take the stairs every time.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Black coffee - no more sodas!

That's it! I'm puffy today and I cannot take it! I think I am going through full-fledged menopause now, because I keep getting puffy, just like my mother used to complain about. I had thought I was in menopause already, but, now I'm thinking that I just experienced hellatious peri-menopause - because so many different things are going on with me recently. One of those things is the fucking puffy attacks! I'll be going along just fine, exercising a bit, watching what I'm eating, jeans are fitting better, etc and then BLAMMO!!!! PUFF!!! Dammit!!!!

My freaking legs are sore EVERY DAY because I am making myself move around so much, walking with the dog, walking with the kids, and every single time I take Puppy outside, I make sure to go down the stairs to hook him up, instead of lazily hooking him up at the top of the stairs - basically, I am taking every opportunity to take the stairs - and we have two sets of stairs in the house, so that is not hard.

I was getting dressed this morning, though, and I could barely get my jeans on - and embarassment of all embarassments - I was pulling them on with the belt loops - and I broke a belt loop!!! With my unsupportive husband in the damn room! Shit! And a whole bunch of other ugly cusswords, too! It made a little hole in my jeans, too. I know I am having the 'puffy issue', though, because my ankles are puffy!

Once in a while, like once every two weeks, when the kids miss the bus, and I have to take them to school - I stop on the way back and get a vanilla yogurt with nuts. And then we had cake from Easter in the house, too. So hubby says, "it's too much yogurt and cake!" Uh yeah, thanks, but, I don't think yogurt and cake make your ankles swell! UGH!! I love supportive people! And then I was telling Puppy that he has ugly lips, and hubby goes, "Well, you have a weight problem!"

This is so hard because my body is against me, in terms of age, and early menopause brought on by a hysterectomy, and hubby, unknowingly - is against me - with his sucky ass attitude. Funny thing is, he is the one that is so 'against fatness' - but, sometimes I think he is the one keeping me fat! Well, that's a sick dynamic to allow myself to be dragged into, isn't it? Yep. If that is somehow what his subconscious is causing him to do, I certainly do NOT have to give into it. No way.

I have to separate myself and especially my weight loss - from him and his crap. Or I will be stuck overweight forever.

This sucks, I'm so disappointed today, and I just needed some support, not crap!

I have decided to switch from sugar in my coffee and Sprite - to black coffee and Crystal Light. I'm a little bit afraid that this is kind of a step backwards, since my big thing was getting off of the artificial sweeteners, but, I'm just going to try it for a while and see what happens.

This is so hard.

Monday, April 9, 2007

Weight loss can be hard to get started

Losing weight can be so hard, but, probably the most difficult part about it is just getting started. That is why I like to sometimes take diet pills, just to give myself a little kick start - and get my brain thinking in that direction. A lot of brands offer free diet pills as a way to get you to try their product, you just generally have to pay shipping and handling. A lot of the diet pills out there do make me nervous, however, and I don't really recommend them as a long-term solution. I do think they can make a perfect 'retrain your brain' helper, though.

Getting my computer healthy, too

A large part of my getting healthy means my also generating an income - getting my financial life healthy. And hopefully helping my husband out with some of the bills. All of what I am doing to make money is on my computer. 'My' computer crashed in November - so I have actually been using my sons' computer since then. I have been squirrelling away some extra funds to get my hard drive fixed, and when I do, I want to get it good and healthy! I will probably get some extra computer memory, and I will most definitely get an external hard drive. I really can't wait to be back on my own machine, and off of this Windows ME Cave Computer! LOL! It is really all so exciting to me - getting healthy in all aspects of my life - including my computer and my income!

Armpit troubles

I have been dealing with lumps in my armpits and they have made me very nervous and worried. I think it would be odd to just happen to have cancer in both armpits at the same time, though. The first time I got them was during my last pregnancy, and the doctor told me at that point not to worry about them, as they were just swollen lymph nodes.

They went away, eventually, after the baby was born, and then they came back again last year, almost ten years later. I finally went to the doctor about them, and he seemed to think it had something to do with clogged hair follicles, or something like that. He gave me an antibiotic, and special washing and deodorant instructions. I've just been reading about the Tend Skin deodorant, and I wonder if that would be good for my situation. The product was originally formulated as a pain reliever, but, was accidentally discovered to be extremely helpful for ingrown hairs. Sounds to me like some 'un-blocking' is going on there, right? Could be just what I need.

Healthy Habits

I have not been making the list, but, I am totally ok with that! Yesterday, for instance, I didn't drink a second bottle of water, and I didn't eat any fruits or vegetables. (Any? Oh my!) Nope, I didn't eat any fruits or veggies, but, Puppy and I took a monster long walk - which was really fun, by the way - we took a new route. But it was also quite strenuous - so that is super mega cool. And so I am not even bothered by the fact that I didn't make the list. I was getting to the point where if I exercised, and still didn't make the list - I was really upset with myself and the situation - because exercising seems to be the hardest thing to do. I was even thinking of asking Loretta to make me a "I exercised!" button for those kinds of days, but, now I'm to the point where I'm really feeling good about my efforts, so, it isn't bugging me a bit!

I think some, if not all, of the things on my list, are becoming true 'habits' - and that is great!

So - no flowers for me right now - but, that is quite alright!

Friday, April 6, 2007

Healthy Habits for Wed., March 4

Another good day - yeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaaw!!

This getting healthy stuff is fun! My house is getting cleaner, I am feeling better, my finances are getting better - it is an all-around job! How cool is it that with the littlest bit of effort, you get so much? And then you want to do more - and then things get even better, and so on, and so on....

I always liken it to that magazine advertisement where they showed what an iceberg looks like on top of the water - and what it looks like underneath the water - HUGEMONGOUS! Like my word? I try to explain to new drunks that come in how they just have to put in that little bit of effort - because often when we come in, that is all we are capable of - and how God will return the gifts to us tenfold. It really must be experienced to be fully understood, but, I always hope that I can show them by my walk....'these are the things not to do, and if you do these things, your life will improve' ....etc, etc

Ok, but, see - that doesn't really work, because, like I said - people need to learn from their own experiences and also, often when we get sober, things actually get worse. So that makes me a liar. Ha!

See - getting sober is a bitch! And the funny thing is, when you take away mood-altering chemicals - we get to feel things. Feel things?! Ugh... That can really suck.

And then there's always dealing with the wreckage we've left behind us...and at first that crap really sucks. What eventually happens is we change. A lot of our circumstances don't change - but we change, on the inside - and that is what makes life a whole lot better. Learning how to live, and be at peace, in a world of chaos. The ultimate gift. I just love it. I certainly don't have it all the time. And I certainly haven't had it much in the last few years - otherwise, I never would have started this blog. I am, however, getting back on track. And so all of this good stuff, and better way of thinking, is coming back to me.

And it feels great!

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Healthy Habits for Tues., April 3

I did it again - yea! I had a really great day yesterday!

Gosh - I thought I had a whole bunch more to say today, but, I have got cleaning the bathroom on my mind, so I can't really think to write very well.

But, hey - I'm cleaning house! That right there speaks volumes! It's not that 'Oh shit! Company's coming - we gotta clean this crap up!' - I'm just doing it. Imagine that!

So I guess I'll go and get to it.

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Thank you, blog - you totally rock!

Dear blog,

Although I seem to have abandoned you, you have been at the forefront of my mind every day - and for that, I thank you. Life is going a lot smoother lately because of your helping me to focus on healthy habits. It has been a long time since things have felt this nice and I know it is because every day I am thinking about the Healthy Habits List, and working hard to earn my flowers!

Yep, blog, you're definitely the coolest blog I know! Thank you so much!!


Healthy Habits Update

I haven't been coming in here and reporting, but, I've been doing pretty well keeping up with my healthy habits.

I owe myself several of these:
I think that will do - I may have earned more, I may have earned less - but, I really haven't any idea...