Tuesday, January 23, 2007

My journey back to health

I've been of a mind to get myself back to where I need to be spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically, really - ever since we came out to Alabama.

Moving out here was kind of a symbol of that for me, in an odd sort of way. I suppose it could be argued that it was just a 'geographical cure' - but, to me, it really doesn't seem that way.

You see, I'm 36 years old, and I've never 'left home'. Always in the watchful shadow of my family, constantly turning to them when I'm in a jam. Ok, I am still turning to them, but, it's something that at this point I can't really explain well.

But ever since I was 18 years old, I have been afraid to leave.

It's funny, I've been afraid to do things all my life. When I was in the first grade, the class was having a party at a local restaurant called Next Door. It was a cute little restaurant. I can't believe I thought this way, but, I remember thinking that since the kids would be in a different environment, not stuck in school with me, stuck in the classroom with me - that none of them would talk to me. And I was terrified to go. My mom tried to talk me into it, but, I just was not budging.

And every time I passed that restaurant for the next almost-30 years until they tore it down recently, it was a glaring symbol of my fear - and wondering what I'd missed.

I've gone through most of my whole life that way. Avoiding - out of fear - staying safe - and missing out on who-knows-what.

So that is what the whole move is about for me - finally being true to myself. Finally strapping on that parachute and jumping. It's not about the kids or Mark, or our family, not even about the opportunity to buy this house from his mother. It's about my not having to drive by a restaurant that I was afraid to go to - and wonder what I missed, how much fun I could have had, what friends I could have connected with....

That damn restaurant haunted me for almost 30 years. I hated it for a long time.

And then I grew to appreciate it - because it gently reminded me to go ahead and live.

And I was actually pretty upset when they tore it down. Wait! That's my personal, emotional recovery symbol - you can't take that from me!

Ha! Imagine that - first I refuse to go there, then I wind up longing for it not to be torn down!

Funny these odd circles life takes us in, eh?


I'm sure I'll do lots more gabbing on the subject of where I've let myself get to and the mistakes that led me here and what I plan to do about it, but, basically - I've gotten to a place in life where I'm not being TRUE TO LISA. I've covered up a lot of who I am with safety buffers - bad habits that have become coping mechanisms. I'm staying safe, and not happy. It's no fun. I'm sick to death of it.

So this blog is all about BECOMING WHO I AM. I am not aiming to become something that I'm not. I am aiming to become more naturally who I am. Becoming true to the nature of Lisa - hence the name ....NATURALLY LISA.

I want to have a daily to-do list that I will do my best to do every day. I know that some days it just won't happen, and that's ok. There was a fabulous article in Reader's Digest that said one very important step in bettering yourself is Plan to Fail. Because if you don't plan for it, and you fail - then you blow the whole thing off and smoke like a fiend, eat up the whole fridge, drink all night - whatever your bad habits are. So I am fully aware that my to-do list might not happen every day - and I am ok with that. When I fail, I will just dust myself off, and get back on that purdy horse!!

The to-do list is going to start out small, so that I don't make myself crazy by expecting too much of myself all at once. The next post will be the to-do list and I'll link to it in the sidebar.

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