I couldn't need an AA meeting any worse than I do right now! Yikes!
We moved here on July 1st and I still haven't gone to a meeting yet - have I already talked about that here? Hmm...
Anyway, I have been talking to some of my online friends, who are very supportive, and one of whom is actually in the program. And I have been hemmin' and hawin' about ... "ah, yeah, I'm kind of nervous to go...yada yada..."
And the other day, I just came right out and said it, "I'm scared to go." ...and you know what? Wow! That took all the power out of it! Well, most of the power anyway.
The funny thing is - I think it reduced my 'being scared' back down to 'being nervous' - that's a bit ironic, eh?
The truth shall set you free. How true, how true.
It's like when you're feeling like you want to get drunk (if you're an alcoholic) and you tell your friends..."yeah, it sure would be nice to sit on the porch on a sunny day and have a beer" or "I never got to try Smirnoff Ice, sure would like to try that"
When inside, maybe even hidden from yourself, what you're really thinking is,
"I want to get drunk!" Damn, dude - just get honest with yourself, get honest with others, and just SAY IT!!!
It is truly amazing how much power is taken out of it when you do.
When I first started coming around AA, I was truly afraid to say shit like that, to myself or others - I thought that made me a bad alcoholic. (the recovering kind...)
But - guess what? You are an alcoholic! (said into the mirror!) That is actually normal!
Yes, it is normal, completely normal, for me to want to get drunk. It is actually abnormal for me to have a loved one die, a marriage end, a job lost, etc, etc - and stay sober through it!
Because I am an alcoholic.
And all of everything that I learn as it pertains to my drinking, or staying sober, if you will - pertains to all of everything else in my life.
So all I had to say was...."I'm scared to go to a meeting." And that made things so much better.
You know, I'm 36 years old and I'm 15 years sober, and I just thought that my feelings were totally ridiculous. However - I've never lived more than nine miles from my mother - or my home group! I've gone to new groups when I've moved - but, all in the Dallas metroplex.
So it's time for me to cut myself a little slack, and realize that this move is such a big adjustment for me, in many ways.
Now I've got to go - I've got to find a ride to that meeting!
Thanks Peeps! Ya'll ROCK!!!!!!!